The struggle is real....

Everyday I get up and do what I can to stay positive but as anyone knows who struggles with anxiety or depression or fighting an addiction...The Struggle Is Real!!

The struggle can strangle your happiness and creativity...it can make your brain think horrible thoughts...and it can make you say things that you do not mean. My struggle is with my self worth and my ability to be a good mom.

I have finally figured out what was my trigger with this manic episode that has consumed the end of my Summer. I normally have a lot of stuff going on and I have no time to be in my own brain. With all the changes that happened this Summer and me not having kids to chase around...I had a lot of time on my hands to invent silly things in my brain.

I traced it back to starting to feel depressed because my last best friend moved far away and I did not have her wonderful kids to watch this Summer. Then my son stayed at his grandmas house and I was left to sit with myself and my thoughts...the stinking thinking started to creep in. I was not working out, I was all alone all day and my husband was working so much because I had lost my extra income for the Summer. So here I sat letting silly thoughts seep into my head and getting upset over things that I could have easily talked with someone about but did not. I let my brain start thinking things that were not good and I just kept trying to find ways to make them true.

I had things I wanted to say but could not find the words, so I just let myself fall into a funk which effected the people around me. Instead of asking for help or talk about what I was feeling, I just let myself fall deeper into this manic episode and started to descend into a place I do not like to go.

When I was using drugs to mask everything it seemed so awesome because I did not have to deal with all that stuff that was clouding my brain. But when sobriety came around, all that stuff was still there and ten times worse because I had ignored it for so long. I pushed people away, put on that fake smile and said that everything was "just fine"!

Now that I do not use those drugs, I tend to seclude myself from the world and strike out in anger to those who I love and care for.:( Some days I wake up thinking that I am not good enough for all the wonderful things in my life and there has to be a shoe ready to fall on my head somewhere. So many times in my life, I did not believe that I was deserving of the happy life...so I would self sabotage everything in my life so I could be in that low spot that I felt I deserved.

Nowadays I am more positive about my life and my future but like everyone else in this world...I do have my bad days. These last few months of Summer have been the hardest for me in a very long time but I think I have come out of it. Yesterday I let myself think some bad thoughts but I am trying to not let them fester and I am going to talk with my husband about them.

School starts tomorrow and that means lots of busy days with work, homework for the kiddo and Cub Scout activities so I will be busy busy with no time to let my brain fall into a funk. I have to stay on top of my blog to keep me focused and let out the feelings that I have trouble expressing. It is so important to never stop believing in yourself and your self worth...no matter what has happened to you in your past...you can start a new chapter in life and achieve happiness.