So many new changes....

One of the many changes that has happened to our family is the physical changes. At times, I feel as though these have been the hardest to deal with. 

After my husband's accident, he had to come to the realization that he was not 100% anymore. That was and is something that we are working on...although he is not completely disabled, he is limited at what he can do.

We are still navigating this roller coaster and hope the roughest part is behind us. My husband has had to navigate being told he cannot go hard at 100%...to slow down. But how does he process this...it is like being hit in the gut because he fears for how he will provide for his family.

Another change since the accident is his mental capacity...this was definitely new territory for him. I try to be supportive and helpful with my tools that I use to get through the hard times. But I myself struggle with my own issues...I won't lie this has been a rough ride and there were times where I wanted to give up.😭

I had to keep praying that I would not let my insecurities get in the way of his healing...his learning of how to navigate this new life of emotions. This ride is going to be an ongoing one but a hopeful one...we still have our rough days but with diligent prayers we have developed a better line of communication. 

Once the wave subsides another one comes...I did not want to believe my body is aging but it is. My Rheumatoid Arthritis has some limitations and if I can keep moving I will keep moving. But there are days when it feels like my body is covered in a mountain of bricks. None of my joints want to move and they are swollen. It tingles but itches and aches all at the same time.😟

More doctors, x-rays and meds....ughhhh!! I want to do things but the fatigue just floors me some days. My heart, head and body just feels like it cannot take much more. It can feel hopeless at times.

Is it wrong to have these emotions? Of course not....just don't stay there.  

It is important to talk about how you feel....whatever way gets you through it. Whether it is talking to yourself(write it down), a therapist, a priest, a good friend/family member, church family, your pastor or lifting it up in prayer. 

Keep moving forward...you can and will get through whatever wave you're facing. 

Psalms 31:24 - Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.

Where is this road going?!

*How funny this title is from a blog I started a year ago. 

I have been off the grid for so long now....I have been so scattered-brained and just off. So much, that I have not even felt like myself at all.😢 I have always used writing as a release for when my brain gets backed up and I lose focus. 

In the past when I would get overwhelmed it would contribute to my lack of finishing anything and just checking out. In the hopes that all of what I was dealing with...would just go away.

This is where the drugs and alcohol helped in the forgetting part. But....it never went away...it just sat in limbo waiting for me to come back to reality. I no longer use alcohol or drugs to numb myself but I sure can check out of life by isolating myself.

October 15th 2019 started the time of change...change has never been a high point in my life....but I have learned to live with it and accept it...even if it is an unexpected change.

I am finally starting to clear some of the cobwebs that have built up in my head....although not even close to figuring it all out but who really is. I write to help me put my thoughts in order instead of burying them or ignoring them. 

I like to share those thoughts in hopes that someone who is going thru the same issues gets a glimmer of hope that things will be alright and they are not going thru it alone. Someone understands and someone gets it...but lately, I haven't felt like I have anything helpful to say. 

A black cloud has been hovering over us and it is time to turn the fan on and clear the air. I do have some things to say and some of them won't be easy...some will be painful but everything will be okay....I will be okay.

This is ME....take it or leave it....

So part of my self care is usually writing in this blog....I have not been on here in over a year. I think that is the longest I have been away from here. So it would make sense that I have not been in my right state of mind lately.

When I step away from the things that keep me grounded, sane and sober....I tend to go a little batty and have been known to go off the deep end at times. Well I haven't had one of those really bad moments in a long time but I can kind of feel it creeping in or at least knocking at the door!😈

So writing is one of my outlets and my other big outlet is exercising! I have been on my health journey for about 5 years now....I am a member of the Beachbody community. I love the freedom I have with making my own schedule of when I get to workout and the best part is that I never have to leave my home!

So why has it been an uphill battle it seems like to get the workouts in and stay consistent?! A major part of the issue is that LIFE JUST HAPPENS!! 

So between going back to work, buying our 1st house, car accidents, Covid happening, a job promotion and getting the news that I have an Autoimmune Disorder😩....I have been very overwhelmed!

I have been on the go for awhile now and I feel like I never have time for myself or for any type of self care...which means that the yuck is just building up inside of me...ready to explode! That is not good for me or those around me, I can get very emotional and/or mean sometimes. I will seclude myself from anyone and everyone once I have spiraled down that rabbit hole of despair and depression. On top of all that is going on....I have started Menopause! Now that throws a nice emotional monkey wrench in the works, not to mention all the wonderful effects to my body.

So as a mother and wife, I have to keep going no matter the circumstance.....I cannot stop for bad days or sick days because stuff needs to get done. I am a very strong willed and independent person that has never been one to ask for help or reach out when things are tough. It is just the way I am wired...my learned behavior growing up. 

When I am asked how things are going...I never offer up the response of...."Well you know it has been tough lately...my husband was in a car accident, my mother-in-law has Stage 4 Cancer, I just found out that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis along with starting Menopause....AND I am just really tired!" I just say I am good, tired and busy but good....why do I do that?!

Listen to what I have to say....if someone asks you how are doing? How are you really doing? Answer them truthfully...I feel as though we are lead to believe that we must conquer all things alone or with little help. We are supposed to be strong women in a world that looks to us as weaker individuals...but don't believe it!💪

Just recently I was trucking along in my day and I started to smell smells that were triggering me to think of the years when I was using heavily. Sounds and songs also but the smells were the big thing, it kept happening for a few days and I found myself thinking about how I could find some drugs without anyone knowing.😢 But why do you ask? You have been clean for over 10 years!!

I will tell you why....I am tired, just really tired anymore. I have exhausted my back up reserves and I was ready to tap out and make some poor decisions. I kept thinking I just needed a drink or some extra pep in my step. I have pushed myself to the limit and I felt like I could not go on anymore. 

You see...I kept thinking I was 30 still and could just push past all the pains and aches, all the foggy brain episodes, all the tiredness! But that is not possible and it probably wasn't possible back then either but I just did it because I thought I had to. Getting older is not something I thought I would ever do....I didn't see myself living past 40, let alone 45 but here I am...a half of a century old and still going!

There I was trucking along like I had nothing wrong with me....trying to take care of everyone else except myself. Sure I was still getting my workouts in but I wasn't listening to my body or it's signs that I was about to crash hard. So work starts up again and that was the straw that broke the camel's back...I had overworked my joints to the point of losing my left arm functions because my elbow was destroyed. I was doing a weighted workout and I went up in weight....bad decision, with the added stress on my elbow from work...I hurt myself bad.😳

6 weeks later and I almost have all my mobility back...I have been doing dance workouts to keep me moving but those are hard to because I am having other flare-up symptoms from the RA. Like overwhelming fatigue and brain fog...by the end of the day my joints are aching and throbbing and I am just ready for bed! I cannot stand it and I feel like an absolute failure because I cannot get anything done...I cannot even get off the couch some nights. 

Through all this, there is one saving grace....my faith in God! My faith is what has saved me from making those bad decisions and from just giving up on life. My prayers are what keep me going, my church and all the wonderful people keep me going...God helps me get through the trials and tribulations. When ever I pray for guidance, it comes...whenever I feel down trodden I pray for the strength to get through the day. When ever I need some reassurance that everything will turn out alright...I pray. When ever I beat myself up for not doing this or not making enough time for that...I pray.🙏

I will not let the negative get me down....I did that for way too much of my life!

I will not let the pain get me down...I have survived way too much already!

I will not let the desire to use get me down...I have come to far to throw it all away!

I will not let the devil come in and destroy my faith...I am a child of God and nothing can break that bond!

So that is me now....I am not the person that once was...the Teresa from before. I was a broken and misguided child that had not learned my worth yet. I was dancing with the devil and hoping for the light of the Lord to shine on me. I was a drug addict that did not think I deserved a good life!

I am now a woman going through Menopause with Rheumatoid Arthritis who forgets things and can get easily tired to the point where I cannot even function some days. I am a recovered drug addict who forgets to administer self care so that I do not use again. I am sorry if I do not stay in touch more but my life is busy and some days I do not even leave the house because my body just needs to rest. And honestly, the little bit of energy I do get some days...is reserved for being in the house of the Lord...for he is my rock before any other...he is what keeps me going and pushing forward.

That is ME and although some may not understand why I write this blog....I do not write it for sympathy because my life can be hard or because there are a lot of obstacles in my path. I write this blog to hopefully touch another persons heart....to help someone(even if it is just one)understand that life can get better and life may be tough but it can still be fun and enjoyable if you let your self enjoy it. I write it to let the world know that I have found a friend in Jesus and he has lifted me up out of my despair and given me a freedom that I want others to know. The joy that I get from being a child of God is amazing and I pray that everyone can find that type of joy in their life!

God Bless and take care! 

What do we do next?

There are so many words up in my brain right now but they just do not know how to come out. So many feelings and so many emotions running around like a screaming child inside my head. I want to yell...I want to scream....I want to hit things...but the one thing I do not want to do is escape.

Back a long time ago....I would not of even begun the process of what do we do next...I would be starting a long bender of forgetting what is going on in the real world and burying my emotions deep down inside of me.

Today is different...today I get to feel all the feelings...today I get to face the uncertain times ahead and I am okay with that. Now do not get me wrong, I am still not a big fan of feeling and all that junk. But in order to survive what lies ahead, we need to feel and work thru all the yuckiness that lies ahead.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I can be a bit of a hot head....add mounting emotions from a situation that is not ideal for any of the parties involved and we have a recipe for destruction. 

I let my emotion and my desire to protect my hurting husband get the better of me yesterday.😢

I let a conversation escalate to anger as did my husband and we regret what happened.😞

But you know what? Minutes later I immediately sent a text apologizing for my anger and my husband called the other party back to also say he is sorry but emotions are getting the better of us and we must work together to get thru what is to come next!

I could not even fathom how far my husband and I have come in our journey together...there would have been a time when we would have tried to justify our actions all while getting loaded to forget what was going on around us. It is so easy to just throw a blind eye to what is going on around you but let me tell you that it will still be there waiting for you...no matter how much time passes.

So now what? Now that I am here and present to everything that is going on....what next? Well, there has been a lot of crying...some anger....disbelief...hate...how many emotions is that so far?! There are many more to come but I think we are ready for whatever is to come next.😬

Well maybe not ready ready but we are embracing the next steps as best as we can. Thankfully we have an amazing support system surrounding us that we can reach out to for anything we need. One thing I would like to reach out to everyone about is the hardest part of this situation: How do I tell my little boy that his grandma is sick again? How do I tell him that this time is different? How do I tell him that Cancer is an ugly, mean, destroying disease that takes people away from you when you are not ready for it to?😭💔😠

So now I will try to continue on with my day....trying to make it as normal for my son as I can...trying to fathom what is about to come next....trying not to break down in front of my son...trying to navigate my husband's many mood swings. Exactly how do I navigate this every day....with lots of coffee, lots of reaching out to my support system, maybe even attending a meeting or two but mainly staying faithful in prayer. My higher power is my rock...my foundation for the strength I have to handle whatever comes my way...my refuge for when I feel weak!🙏

Find what gives you the strength to keep pushing forward....find a support system that helps you get thru the tough times...gives you a shoulder to cry on or a good belly laugh when needed. 

Philippians 4:13 (KJV) - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

The moment every thing crashes....

As an addict in recovery, I am always waiting for the crash....now that I have many years of being clean under my belt it is not something that I think about as often as before.

 

See before, deep in my addiction....I used that as a reason to use; I would always play the poor me card, it is all gonna fall apart anyway so why not get high and forget it all. Till it had been ignored for so long that it cannot be ignored anymore and it would all come crashing down like a ton of bricks.

Back then I was scared to face the problem....scared to do what was needed to do or say what was needed to say. I would bury everything deep deep down inside of me and ignore it for as long as I could. Stay as high or drunk as I could get so that I did not have to think about whatever was happening in my life.

Then I got clean and realized that it wasn't just my bad luck or that I was destined to live a crappy life because I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I realized that everyone has bad times and how we deal with it is what is important. 

If you always lie down and let it defeat you then your life will feel like any endless string of bad luck. But if you keep having faith that things can/will get better and you get back up every time you get knocked down....life becomes what you make of it.

For me, finding my voice, my faith and my strength to be an adult and make grown up decisions was a big turning point for me. Taking responsibility, asking for help, creating a plan of action gave me the drive to never give up trying...that got me thru whatever life threw at me.

With continual practice I got to the point where it was not scary to face whatever monkey wrench life throws into the mix. So now when that moment comes where life comes crashing down around me...I do not run and hide(most of the time). Lets be honest with one another....life is scary and we all tend to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to something that is really scary. As long as you pick yourself up out of the sand before it becomes to overwhelming, you have a fighting chance to get through whatever it is that life has thrown at you.

So here we are(my husband and I), at one of these moments where it is coming crashing down around us....did we throw a blind eye at the situation for a time...maybe?! But when it comes to a family members health, most people tend to not look at the negative aspect and try to focus on the good parts.

Now we are looking at all the pieces that have come crashing down around us....where do we go from here....what do we do next....will they be mad that we have taken the reigns from them?! Hopefully they will understand that what we do is out of love for them and their well being....what we do is out of genuine concern for their health and that we want them to be around for as long as possible.

All we can do know is keep trying to make the best decisions for everyone involved, stay on top of the situation at hand, work together with family/friends so that they are taken care of and pray. Pray for the guidance to do what is needed....Pray for some healing in their body, mind, heart and soul...Pray that everyone involved gets a sense of peace and understanding of the situation....Pray that what needs to be done gets done. 

Although not everyone out there feels the same as I do about God....I know in my heart that faith in my God and prayer will get me thru whatever is to come next in this journey called life.

Psalm 18:30 (NIV) - "As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him."

Psalm 18:30 (KJV) - "As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him."