Recently I fell into one of these holes and it was not a pretty sight.😩
For myself, it is usually a daily struggle with anxiety but not depression...I struggle with people accepting me. My whole life has been based upon others approval so it is hard some days to not think that way. Once I got clean and I learned how to live life without needing others acceptance but understanding that not everyone is going to think, live or act as I do and realizing that is okay. Life has become a much happier place but somewhere deep inside me I was still depressed.
In prison, the therapist told me that I had situational depression...I laughed and said that everyone must suffer from that in jail because that place sucked! I watched my mother suffer from depression all my life and she once was prescribed medication for it. She chose not to follow the doctors suggestions and stopped seeing someone about her issues...well, that is another story for another time. But once I was clean and had to face all the things that I had so conveniently buried and hid with drugs and a fake smile...I knew that I was going to figure out how to not live in a depression/anxiety filled life.
Thinking back to all my times in therapy and rehab, I battled how to live a clean life, how to not mistake sex for love, how not to need others approval to make me feel happy and loved. How to deal with my poor choices in life, how to deal with all the yucky things that had happened to me growing up, and how to deal with life without using drugs/alcohol. But I do not recall reading or talking about how to deal with depression...yes, I said and discussed that I was depressed about everything that had happened up till then. But I kept telling myself that I was not severely depressed, that my couple of suicide attempts were just for attention and I wrote it off as what the therapist said, "situational depression".
Every doctor and therapist that talked with me, I said that I had just kicked a drug habit and did not want to treat my anxiety/depression with pills...I refused medication. I did not want to take pills to battle these things...I do understand that it can be worse for others and it helps them immensely. After this last episode, I have been questioning whether I should look into anti-depressants for myself.
The biggest deterrent is being afraid of falling into addiction again with the pills they give me...I have the tools and support to not let that happen but I am good at hiding things...been doing it all my life.😢 Another reason that I keep giving is that I am already on meds for physical ailments...I do not want to take more pills! But being honest with myself and what I need to live a fulfilling happy life is the only thing that is going to keep me going on the right path.
I have never talked with anyone about the cutting that occurs when I fall into a depressive down moment...no one knew about it before prison and I started doing it a lot when I was transitioning from parolee to free woman. I started drinking heavily again and I really did not have anyone that I completed trusted and could confide in. Once I found the group of friends that I still have to this day, I stopped cutting myself again. Things were not perfect and far from normal but it took a few more years before I fell into another down and cut myself again. Luckily I was with my husband by then and he yelled, talked, and loved me through that episode and I promised I would not let it get that bad again.
Fast forward to this month....I am still not quite sure what sent me into this downward spiral but it was one of the lowest lows I have had in a long time. Somewhere between feeling completely alone, my son being gone for a week, and not having any kids to look after this Summer...I feel as though I was struggling with who I am. Some how I closed myself off from my friends and my husband and I was trying to deal with so many emotions all alone. Most of my friends have moved to a city outside of mine, my last best friend in town moves 2 hours away and I am at a stand still on where my professional path is going. With my husband working his ass off to keep us afloat, I found myself alone and inside my stinking thinking head most days.
Although, I let it go too far and ended up doing things to myself that I feel horrible shame for....I did manage to say some things to my husband that needed to be said. I showed him a letter I had written the last time I had hurt myself and a letter I wrote this recent night. He accepted my words and assured me that he was going to stick around and that he loved me unconditionally....he was going to ride this ride with me till the end.💕
I am still feeling the effects of this downward spiral into depression, I am not working out but I am keeping my eating on track, I have not talked with anyone about how I feel but my husband is trying his best to be there for me. Everyday I get up a little sooner than the day before and find something to celebrate about waking up again. Because the cloud is lifting I am finding inspirational quotes and videos to remind me how important it is to ask for help. I may have not done a lot this week but I have kept myself busy by playing with my son and talking to him about the importance of asking for help, expressing your feelings, and being happy in life no matter what!
Too many of us have been lost to this horrible disease called depression...never give up...reach out and ask for help....someone is always willing to listen!
1-800-273-TALK(8255)
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