I have been so busy with my son and all his activities that I have buried everything deep and just focused on him. I have let myself slip into this false attitude of "everything is okay" but inside I am dying.
It always seems to be a struggle and/or things happen to throw a monkey wrench into this thing called life around this time of year. For the most part it is always that never ending struggle with money and how are we going to give our son the best Christmas ever. Ughhh, I try to stay positive and not dwell on the negatives but I cannot be Mary Sunshine all the time....so time to vent!
Then the family comes into play and I have to just drop to my knees and wonder how I am going to survive these last few weeks of 2015?! Family....a word that has no meaning outside of my son and husband. I really dislike saying that but it has come to an abrupt truth this year and it is killing me inside.
I keep writing out what I want to say to you but every time I read it back to myself I just cannot send it. Why can't I....When I need to say the things I do and put this part of my life behind me and let go. I cannot send the words because no matter what you think....I do still love you and care about you!
But as I sit here struggling with how I am going to pay my bills because of unforeseen circumstances...wondering if my husband is going to get paid this week and if we are going to have enough money till he does get paid.
Crying every day in private because I have secluded myself away from the world and I feel alone in my struggle.
Feeling heartache because you have cast me away like an old dirty Kleenex with no emotion at all; wondering how do you do it!
Forcing myself to get up every morning even though I feel like doing nothing but laying in bed in a dark room feeling sorry for myself.
I just wanna curl up into a ball and scream out loud; WHY UNIVERSE, WHY ME!!
But that is not me anymore, I am a positive person and I have joy in my life; even though things look bleak I can and will survive this too!
I will not give in to the sadness or fear....I will not resort to that stinking thinking that it is all lost so why not just go crazy and go out with a bang!
I will not feed into those temptations of F it all...lets just go get high or drunk and figure out the rest when I am finally sober!
I will choose to not stop trying to make the best of my situation or give up on my goals and dreams!
Why? Because I did not get this far to just give up or give in. I do not have control over the way people act but I do have control over the way I react to the situations that are put in front of me. All I can do now is give up this darkness and fear in my heart and head to my higher power, pull up my big girl panties, take a deep breath, look for a solution, and enjoy the people that I am lucky enough to be surrounded by that are my family now!
It is important to express yourself whether it be in written word, song, by yourself in the shower or on a mountain road screaming at the top of your lungs. Do not hold anything in because it will fester and throw you off your game. Express how you feel and let the tears flow if need be...it is very cleansing.
I know that some days can be really hard and it feels like you have completely lost it all. It is never too late to pick up the pieces, start again, and work towards those dreams and goals you have set for yourself. The only time that it is over...is when you stop trying!
Enjoy the holidays with people you love, don't let worry ruin what is left of 2015, and look for the joy that is to come in 2016!
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