Stuck in a rut....running in circles.....

It always seems that the "new" year always brings the same trials and tribulations. Although they are different bumps every year; it seems as though the beginning of the year is when I must find out how strong I truly am.

Death came knocking at my door this year and I was not prepared for it at all. I am finding it really hard to let go of the actions that some have exhibited through this tragedy. They seem to surprise me in how they can hurt my heart still! After everything that has happened and the choices they have made, they have managed to cause me grief again! How can someone say they love you so much, yet manage to make decisions that are so hurtful to others. With no regard to how others might feel!? :(

How do you move past death? How do you let go of something that meant so much to you? How do you forgive yourself for not reaching out sooner and hugging them more? How do you keep going when all you want to do is just crawl up into a hole and hide? </3

I have learned that you must not keep asking a question but answer it in order to get the solutions that you seek. But I am stuck in this stage of asking without an answer to myself. I am wallowing in the despair of this but not staying in it! I am trying to keep my mind active but not trying to push it aside! I am trying to move past it but not trying to forget!

Another question in the mind lately that is dirtying up the happy pool in my brain is this: How is it that I managed to allow my boy to fail? Why do I feel that it is my fault? It seems that he knows the material but he still has to attend summer classes? Did I not spend enough time with him? Is my school work interfering with his growth and education?

Here I am beating myself up over summer classes for my son and it is only his first year in school! I am trying to take a step up but my stinking thinking has got me wondering if my school is not as important as his. In my mind, I have already failed five wonderful human beings with my choices; are my positive choices doing the same? Why is it so hard to see myself as successful?

There is time to get him on track without losing sight of what I am trying to accomplish for my family! I have been going to extreme scenarios and I have to remember that I am emotionally mixed up because of all the new medications that I have started this year. I am becoming more aware of my thoughts but still waiting to reach out for help. I have learned that asking for help is not a weakness but a show of strength! I have many positive people in my life now and they are here to help me....now I just have to ask!

I have been blessed with a second chance at a family but I beat myself up for not being strong enough for my older children so many years ago. Happiness is not based on success....happiness is built on your decision to do something positive with this life you are given....happiness is based on letting go of the bad and forgiving yourself so that you can move on! No, I was not the super mom that I thought I would be....but I was 19 and emotionally still a child myself. I will never get back the lost time but I will never lose time again with those in my life now! <3