Realization…Understanding…Acceptance…

So I have been running around in my head trying to figure out what is weighing so heavy on my mind. I have been talking about how I have been blocked, stumped, put on pause…I feel as though I am walking through wet sand. Both physically and mentally, I have not been clear in my thoughts, been ridden with sickness for a month now. You all know that BLAH feeling….ugghhh! :(

So the other day I just get hit with my realization…I am feeling guilty after talking with my daughters. I thought that I was handling everything pretty well. But I wasn’t processing all the feelings, I was standing my ground with my boundaries…as well as not overstepping theirs.

Then I realized that deep down inside I was feeling guilty for not being able to be the mother I had promised myself I would be when she came back into my life. I couldn’t make all her problems go away, I didn’t have the funds to erase her problems…because I am still a bad mom?!?! Maybe that is what I thought secretly but then I finally accepted that there is no magic wand I can wave to help her. I could only do what I was capable of doing without putting my family in a bind and I could just let her know I am emotionally here for her.

Then my other daughter was a different story, it wasn’t so much the guilt I constantly feel for the wrong choices I made in the past that causes her anger and resentment towards me. I live with that every day of my life…but I do not let it rule me anymore. No, with her it is the anger I was feeling towards her…isn’t that crazy?! But I am allowed to feel angry at things she says to me…but I am not allowed to hold on to it or let it fester. I just told her that she has her own anger and resentments that she may have, clouding her judgment towards me…I am a changed person now. I am still here for her when she is ready again to try and talk.

Then the whopper of them all….I am feeling anger towards my parents for not being parents to me. The cycle came full circle and I finally realized what that crud was in my belly!

My parents lived paycheck to paycheck…never talking of securing the future…having a fall back plan…hell, having a plan at all. Just wing it is their motto…do what you have to do to get by…no saving…no looking to a better future…just blaming the world for our miseries and downfalls. Never really taking responsibility for the choices they made. I never got structure…never got pep talks…never had family vacations…never was encouraged to do school activities…never had help with my homework…it just never felt like a….FAMILY!

So here I am with a realization, I am understanding it, I am trying to accept it….then I must let it go and move on….so once again…TO BE CONTINUED….

Enjoy life :) <3 br="" crud="" family="" hold="" love="" never="" on="" the="" to="" your="">

Teresa B