So with all the speed bumps that have been thrown in my path lately, I have been feeling a little down and out….and for some reason I just can’t snap out of the funk. 
The worst part of this down cycle I am having…is allowing myself to be more aware of my triggers.
I have been having a lot of triggers lately, from every sensory area…sight, smell, taste and sound. I have had the unfortunate experience of being around others who are high on drugs. They have gone as far as actually show me a bagful of drugs…ugghh!!
When I see someone who is under the influence of drugs, my heart skips a beat and I start thinking about if this person would tell anyone if I asked them for drugs…do I take the risk?!
I heard a song on the radio that had played a part in my past because it had so much meaning to me that every time I hear it I get a twinge in my gut. I have been hearing it a lot lately and I find myself drifting in thought to times past of using.
I was standing at a gas station and someone walked by me with a cigarette…as the smoke found my face it smelled of the past and it’s smell of the old days and partying.
I was dreaming one night, I was back in my old house that I was at my worst in my addiction…I was partying and using…I can remember tasting it in my dream and waking up with a dry mouth and that awful taste in my mouth.
This has been plaguing me for quite awhile now…I really get down on myself when I start to feel those urges and they become so rampant. I argued with myself that they were not that bad or they were not going to get me down. But when speed bump after speed bump starts to trip me up I begin to hear that little voice in the back of my head called “stinking thinking”
The past month in a half has crept up on me like a ghost in the night, I really didn’t think I was falling this far into the deadly trap of negativity and depression…I have been trying to keep myself busy so I have not had any time to stop and think. I have just been running and running till I drop, then this last week was the straw that broke the camels back.
When I got pulled over by the cop and found out that my license has been suspended since 2007 and almost lost my job…well, needless to say I was crying and upset, feeling defeated…I calmed down to do my route with my boss and then drove home so scared. The house was quiet…my mind was reeling…my heart was pounding…I was cursing the sky and starting to feel beat down. I had so many thoughts rolling through my head but I sat down in the quiet…got on FB and let out some emotion on my status. I calmed down did some breathing exercises and tried to lay down and get some rest before my son woke up.
The next day I got up and did what I needed to get my license reinstated, things just started to fall into place, I had no fear of asking friends for help…I started to clear my head and began to realize that I had been stuck under a cloud and I was falling into a place that I did not like. I was choosing to put myself in a dark place…but when I reached out for help the light came in and now I am getting out of the funk.
Even this far into my sobriety…this far into my recovery…this far into the conviction of never to use drugs again…I can still be lured by triggers…I can be pulled into the swell of negativity…but no matter how far in you are, it’s how hard you want to fight for the happiness…how much work you want to put into staying positive and on track.
Things will always at times look really grim but that does not mean that they will always stay that way!
Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action!
Teresa B
The worst part of this down cycle I am having…is allowing myself to be more aware of my triggers. I have been having a lot of triggers lately, from every sensory area…sight, smell, taste and sound. I have had the unfortunate experience of being around others who are high on drugs. They have gone as far as actually show me a bagful of drugs…ugghh!!
When I see someone who is under the influence of drugs, my heart skips a beat and I start thinking about if this person would tell anyone if I asked them for drugs…do I take the risk?!
I heard a song on the radio that had played a part in my past because it had so much meaning to me that every time I hear it I get a twinge in my gut. I have been hearing it a lot lately and I find myself drifting in thought to times past of using.
I was standing at a gas station and someone walked by me with a cigarette…as the smoke found my face it smelled of the past and it’s smell of the old days and partying.
I was dreaming one night, I was back in my old house that I was at my worst in my addiction…I was partying and using…I can remember tasting it in my dream and waking up with a dry mouth and that awful taste in my mouth.
This has been plaguing me for quite awhile now…I really get down on myself when I start to feel those urges and they become so rampant. I argued with myself that they were not that bad or they were not going to get me down. But when speed bump after speed bump starts to trip me up I begin to hear that little voice in the back of my head called “stinking thinking”
The past month in a half has crept up on me like a ghost in the night, I really didn’t think I was falling this far into the deadly trap of negativity and depression…I have been trying to keep myself busy so I have not had any time to stop and think. I have just been running and running till I drop, then this last week was the straw that broke the camels back.
When I got pulled over by the cop and found out that my license has been suspended since 2007 and almost lost my job…well, needless to say I was crying and upset, feeling defeated…I calmed down to do my route with my boss and then drove home so scared. The house was quiet…my mind was reeling…my heart was pounding…I was cursing the sky and starting to feel beat down. I had so many thoughts rolling through my head but I sat down in the quiet…got on FB and let out some emotion on my status. I calmed down did some breathing exercises and tried to lay down and get some rest before my son woke up.
The next day I got up and did what I needed to get my license reinstated, things just started to fall into place, I had no fear of asking friends for help…I started to clear my head and began to realize that I had been stuck under a cloud and I was falling into a place that I did not like. I was choosing to put myself in a dark place…but when I reached out for help the light came in and now I am getting out of the funk.
Even this far into my sobriety…this far into my recovery…this far into the conviction of never to use drugs again…I can still be lured by triggers…I can be pulled into the swell of negativity…but no matter how far in you are, it’s how hard you want to fight for the happiness…how much work you want to put into staying positive and on track.
Things will always at times look really grim but that does not mean that they will always stay that way!
Character isn’t inherited. One builds it daily by the way one thinks and acts, thought by thought, action by action!
Teresa B
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