What do we do next?

There are so many words up in my brain right now but they just do not know how to come out. So many feelings and so many emotions running around like a screaming child inside my head. I want to yell...I want to scream....I want to hit things...but the one thing I do not want to do is escape.

Back a long time ago....I would not of even begun the process of what do we do next...I would be starting a long bender of forgetting what is going on in the real world and burying my emotions deep down inside of me.

Today is different...today I get to feel all the feelings...today I get to face the uncertain times ahead and I am okay with that. Now do not get me wrong, I am still not a big fan of feeling and all that junk. But in order to survive what lies ahead, we need to feel and work thru all the yuckiness that lies ahead.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I can be a bit of a hot head....add mounting emotions from a situation that is not ideal for any of the parties involved and we have a recipe for destruction. 

I let my emotion and my desire to protect my hurting husband get the better of me yesterday.😢

I let a conversation escalate to anger as did my husband and we regret what happened.😞

But you know what? Minutes later I immediately sent a text apologizing for my anger and my husband called the other party back to also say he is sorry but emotions are getting the better of us and we must work together to get thru what is to come next!

I could not even fathom how far my husband and I have come in our journey together...there would have been a time when we would have tried to justify our actions all while getting loaded to forget what was going on around us. It is so easy to just throw a blind eye to what is going on around you but let me tell you that it will still be there waiting for you...no matter how much time passes.

So now what? Now that I am here and present to everything that is going on....what next? Well, there has been a lot of crying...some anger....disbelief...hate...how many emotions is that so far?! There are many more to come but I think we are ready for whatever is to come next.😬

Well maybe not ready ready but we are embracing the next steps as best as we can. Thankfully we have an amazing support system surrounding us that we can reach out to for anything we need. One thing I would like to reach out to everyone about is the hardest part of this situation: How do I tell my little boy that his grandma is sick again? How do I tell him that this time is different? How do I tell him that Cancer is an ugly, mean, destroying disease that takes people away from you when you are not ready for it to?😭💔😠

So now I will try to continue on with my day....trying to make it as normal for my son as I can...trying to fathom what is about to come next....trying not to break down in front of my son...trying to navigate my husband's many mood swings. Exactly how do I navigate this every day....with lots of coffee, lots of reaching out to my support system, maybe even attending a meeting or two but mainly staying faithful in prayer. My higher power is my rock...my foundation for the strength I have to handle whatever comes my way...my refuge for when I feel weak!🙏

Find what gives you the strength to keep pushing forward....find a support system that helps you get thru the tough times...gives you a shoulder to cry on or a good belly laugh when needed. 

Philippians 4:13 (KJV) - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

The moment every thing crashes....

As an addict in recovery, I am always waiting for the crash....now that I have many years of being clean under my belt it is not something that I think about as often as before.

 

See before, deep in my addiction....I used that as a reason to use; I would always play the poor me card, it is all gonna fall apart anyway so why not get high and forget it all. Till it had been ignored for so long that it cannot be ignored anymore and it would all come crashing down like a ton of bricks.

Back then I was scared to face the problem....scared to do what was needed to do or say what was needed to say. I would bury everything deep deep down inside of me and ignore it for as long as I could. Stay as high or drunk as I could get so that I did not have to think about whatever was happening in my life.

Then I got clean and realized that it wasn't just my bad luck or that I was destined to live a crappy life because I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I realized that everyone has bad times and how we deal with it is what is important. 

If you always lie down and let it defeat you then your life will feel like any endless string of bad luck. But if you keep having faith that things can/will get better and you get back up every time you get knocked down....life becomes what you make of it.

For me, finding my voice, my faith and my strength to be an adult and make grown up decisions was a big turning point for me. Taking responsibility, asking for help, creating a plan of action gave me the drive to never give up trying...that got me thru whatever life threw at me.

With continual practice I got to the point where it was not scary to face whatever monkey wrench life throws into the mix. So now when that moment comes where life comes crashing down around me...I do not run and hide(most of the time). Lets be honest with one another....life is scary and we all tend to bury our heads in the sand when it comes to something that is really scary. As long as you pick yourself up out of the sand before it becomes to overwhelming, you have a fighting chance to get through whatever it is that life has thrown at you.

So here we are(my husband and I), at one of these moments where it is coming crashing down around us....did we throw a blind eye at the situation for a time...maybe?! But when it comes to a family members health, most people tend to not look at the negative aspect and try to focus on the good parts.

Now we are looking at all the pieces that have come crashing down around us....where do we go from here....what do we do next....will they be mad that we have taken the reigns from them?! Hopefully they will understand that what we do is out of love for them and their well being....what we do is out of genuine concern for their health and that we want them to be around for as long as possible.

All we can do know is keep trying to make the best decisions for everyone involved, stay on top of the situation at hand, work together with family/friends so that they are taken care of and pray. Pray for the guidance to do what is needed....Pray for some healing in their body, mind, heart and soul...Pray that everyone involved gets a sense of peace and understanding of the situation....Pray that what needs to be done gets done. 

Although not everyone out there feels the same as I do about God....I know in my heart that faith in my God and prayer will get me thru whatever is to come next in this journey called life.

Psalm 18:30 (NIV) - "As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him."

Psalm 18:30 (KJV) - "As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him."