Anxiety will not get the better of me....

Anxiety is a silent killer....killer of dreams, killer of hope, killer of motivation! Some days it is so hard to get up in the morning and just function....let alone do all the other things that come with a normal day.😩

I am a mom and a wife so there are things that just have to be done....no matter what! There also things that need to be done now on top of the other normal busy day. So why can't I get up and get motivated to do them?! DUHHHH!!

That silent killer called Anxiety is with me from the time I get up in the morning to the time I lay my head down on the pillow. Going to bed feeling so drained but feeling like I did nothing at all to move towards my goal...I lay there wide awake with a million thoughts in my head about most things that are not even in my control. Try to quiet the mind and push everything out of my head...I lay awake till midnight or even later on some nights.😫

I am getting older now so my body already wakes me up like clockwork before my alarm goes off. Funny side note: I always wondered why my grandparents never needed an alarm clock...LOL!!

Once I get back to my bed and try to enjoy that last hour before my alarm goes off...my chest starts to tighten up and I feel like I cannot breathe...no matter what position I am in. Then the thoughts creep in and I start to panic😬...why didn't I get more done yesterday? Why am I so unmotivated to do anything? I have an entire house to pack and clean and I cannot get anything done? Or so it seems in my brain.

Once it has become fact that I am not going to be going back to sleep....the stomach ache sets in and my guts are screaming at me to get it together! Lets look at emails and pay some bills now...yuck, more anxiety!😢

Now the head and neck pain comes along and I have got to do something to stop this before I lose another day to worry and stress!

So unbeknownst to my self I find inspiration on FB...crazy right?! Watching a video of this women named Rachel Hollis who manages to get me and my butt in gear to tackle this day! In just a few minutes she reminded me that I have been thru worse, I have felt worse and I got thru it!

I am sore from my workout on Monday so I cannot wait to get downstairs and get another workout in today. I have a plan set in my mind and I will stick to it...I will not let things keep me down after I have been knocked to the ground. I remind myself that I cannot be positive 100% of the time but I can bring myself back from the lows I let myself fall in.

It is so true and it was hard for me to believe for a long time but Positivity brings Positive things into your life! Get up and do your hair....put some make-up on....get a workout in and for pete's sake...read something positive and tell yourself something positive before you leave your bedroom in the morning!

I won't lie....I still feel anxious but not as much....the tight chest feels like a high high might come on so don't over do it and set up too many expectations at once. Take it one step at a time...every step you take is one step closer to meeting your goal!😁

Keep Pushing Forward....Never Give Up....You Are A Warrior...I Believe In You!

Drained but not giving up....

Today was a breaking point for me...the ordeal of trying to buy a house is frustrating and very emotionally draining is you are not truly prepared to start down the path.

Although options have been placed in front of us...we keep running into a brick wall because we are just not financially ready to do the things we want. We keep hearing that they can still help us get this done even though are assets are lower than desired.

It has been very frustrating being tossed back and forth between agents and repeating ourselves numerous times over...only to be told that I was being rude for asking questions and stating that moving on could be detrimental to us being able to meet our deadline for finding a place to move to.

Our circumstances are unfortunately on a deadline and it is starting to worry us that we will have nowhere to go when the time comes. I was so upset when I was told that I was rude in my email that just stated point blank...it feels like this is not proceeding as quickly as we had hoped. Especially when we were having to repeat our situation with every new phone call we got from them. Excuse me for freaking out about the thought of not having a roof to put over my sons head.

Of course I broke down and cried because that is what happens when I am confronted with any kind of emotion. It was my breaking point and I let this guy know it...in my head I was just telling myself to breathe and calm down. Handle the situation like an adult and move on to the next obstacle...I have a little boy counting on me to do the right thing and never give up!

Gratefully I have an amazing partner in life, I let him know what was going on and we talked about everything and our options. We got on the same page about things and have a fresh brain to tackle the bumps ahead. I cannot express enough how important communication and a cleansing cry can help with the rough patches in any relationship. I felt so much better afterwards and realized that we can take on anything as long as we do it together!!

Dealing with the highs and lows....

How many of you have the struggle of dealing with the highs and lows of depression/anxiety/bi-polar.

For myself it has been a struggle to learn how to deal with these when tough emotional things happen in my life. This last year has been a great example...one of my lowest lows since getting clean from meth.😟

Going thru this journey of getting clean and sober has been the hardest when dealing with emotions and things from the past that I had buried so deep that some of them I didn't even know were there. 

When you are told that sobriety is a journey, it takes awhile to realize what that actually means. It is a constant journey of self discovery and realizations. And even 10 years down the road you can still find out new things about yourself.

I knew that I would probably have to struggle with anxiety/depression/bi-polar symptoms once getting clean but I think that I have tried to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to face the reality of what was stewing in my brain.

I did a good job of it by finding a wonderful man to love and love me back, having an amazing son to keep me busy for 8 years, and filling up my time with my best friend's kids. Being a busy body and not having to face things worked well for awhile. Then the inevitable happened and an emotional struggle was placed before me last year.

Dealing with monetary issues started the descent into my lowest low....along with both my husband and I losing our incomes, I found out that my best friend was moving away...far away.😞 I have mentioned before that I did not realize or accept that I was going to take this situation as hard as I did. 

Last Summer was the lowest point for me....it sent me into so many horrible places. I started drinking more, I stopped working out and I started finding myself in very high highs and very low low's....exhibiting cognitive distortions that made a mess of my family life. Granted my husband wasn't innocent in the situation and his actions helped to escalate things. But I was not emotionally stable enough to ask him for help or help him understand what I was going thru. Then the emotional descent sent me spiraling into a mess of craziness that had me thinking horrible thoughts and making it hard to function.

I have always thought about going back to a therapist or talking to someone about my emotionally unstable brain but I have been so scared that they would want me to go on meds. Which is not my 1st option but I do understand that sometimes the need for meds is there. So of course I put off letting anyone know that I was feeling like an emotional mess and slowly slipping away from myself.

So I let this go on for too long, almost a year went by before I was at the doctor for something else and I just broke down.😢 My blood pressure was skyrocketing...they were concerned and asked that I talk to a therapist. 

Thank goodness I talked to her that day and she gave me some great insight into the feelings, thoughts, and emotions that I had been struggling with. She gave me options to get help and I started going to a group therapy called Getting Started. I am now assigned to a therapist and start seeing her next week....the best part about this place is that they lean towards treating people without meds. Although if I cannot get this under control and have to look in that direction...I will cross that bridge if we come to it.

If you feel like you are spinning out of control...or your emotions seem crazy up and down and all over the place...please talk with someone...your doctor, a family member, anyone that will listen. Don't keep it in...don't shut it away...don't bury it...do what you need to find that balance so you can keep pushing forward and achieve the goals you have set for yourself and so you can face any bumps in the road that come your way!