The struggle is real....

Everyday I get up and do what I can to stay positive but as anyone knows who struggles with anxiety or depression or fighting an addiction...The Struggle Is Real!!

The struggle can strangle your happiness and creativity...it can make your brain think horrible thoughts...and it can make you say things that you do not mean. My struggle is with my self worth and my ability to be a good mom.

I have finally figured out what was my trigger with this manic episode that has consumed the end of my Summer. I normally have a lot of stuff going on and I have no time to be in my own brain. With all the changes that happened this Summer and me not having kids to chase around...I had a lot of time on my hands to invent silly things in my brain.

I traced it back to starting to feel depressed because my last best friend moved far away and I did not have her wonderful kids to watch this Summer. Then my son stayed at his grandmas house and I was left to sit with myself and my thoughts...the stinking thinking started to creep in. I was not working out, I was all alone all day and my husband was working so much because I had lost my extra income for the Summer. So here I sat letting silly thoughts seep into my head and getting upset over things that I could have easily talked with someone about but did not. I let my brain start thinking things that were not good and I just kept trying to find ways to make them true.

I had things I wanted to say but could not find the words, so I just let myself fall into a funk which effected the people around me. Instead of asking for help or talk about what I was feeling, I just let myself fall deeper into this manic episode and started to descend into a place I do not like to go.

When I was using drugs to mask everything it seemed so awesome because I did not have to deal with all that stuff that was clouding my brain. But when sobriety came around, all that stuff was still there and ten times worse because I had ignored it for so long. I pushed people away, put on that fake smile and said that everything was "just fine"!

Now that I do not use those drugs, I tend to seclude myself from the world and strike out in anger to those who I love and care for.:( Some days I wake up thinking that I am not good enough for all the wonderful things in my life and there has to be a shoe ready to fall on my head somewhere. So many times in my life, I did not believe that I was deserving of the happy life...so I would self sabotage everything in my life so I could be in that low spot that I felt I deserved.

Nowadays I am more positive about my life and my future but like everyone else in this world...I do have my bad days. These last few months of Summer have been the hardest for me in a very long time but I think I have come out of it. Yesterday I let myself think some bad thoughts but I am trying to not let them fester and I am going to talk with my husband about them.

School starts tomorrow and that means lots of busy days with work, homework for the kiddo and Cub Scout activities so I will be busy busy with no time to let my brain fall into a funk. I have to stay on top of my blog to keep me focused and let out the feelings that I have trouble expressing. It is so important to never stop believing in yourself and your self worth...no matter what has happened to you in your past...you can start a new chapter in life and achieve happiness.

It is easier said than done....

I have been trying to push past all the low feelings and I am starting to feel a little bit better and less depressed but it is so much easier said than done! It is so crazy to me how a person can go thru the day to day stuff and everything seems so great. But deep inside there is that anxiety and depression ready to surface.

Even after more than 10 years of being clean...I am still learning how to deal with and understand all of it. I guess that is what keeps us moving forward and growing as a person...when you think you have it figured out and WHAM! something throws you off and you are left picking up the pieces. 

Maybe that is another part of it...feelings were not something that were shared so freely as they are now and I was taught to hide them, never let them out, and always put on a happy face.😣 Pushing down years and years of feelings was something that takes time to deal with but I am learning and growing everyday by using my tools and resources to keep myself on the right track.

For me, the asking for help is always the hardest...it does not matter what kind of help I need I always put it off. Asking for help was a sign of weakness to me, I heard it when I was little and I lived thinking that I was supposed to be so strong that I could do it all by myself. Ughhhh, that is really exhausting and usually ends very badly...for me and all those invoved.😞

One of the worst parts of feeling this way is all the negative thoughts that bounce around in my head. I put myself down, tell myself that I am a horrible person, friend, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, and mother....every part of me is bad and how could anyone love or care for me?!😩

My brain has a way of making up things and I fell so bad already that I grasp at straws to make it true; even though it is so far from the truth. I scream out all the time...why is he with me, why do they love me...then it turns into they don't love me, he is only with me because of our son...it gets so bad the thoughts I invent in my head. 

Then the harder part comes...I have to stop and think about the good things, the good times, the real conversations I have had with people and the viable proof that these people really do care about me. I have to push out the fake scenarios that I play over and over in my head and remind myself that I have a very loyal and loving husband and I have friends and family who truly care about how I feel or what is going on in my life.

It may feel like the world is against you but it really is not....your biggest obstacle is your own brain and the stinking thinking that seeps in when you are vulnerable. 

Try to learn and remember the signs of an oncoming anxiety/depression low or high...find your support system and reach out to them. 

Get out of your own head and talk to someone....write out your feelings and share it with someone...but please do not let yourself fall into that hole and stay there.😰

Remember that you are worth it, you can ask for help, you can kick the bad days and it can and will get better if you choose to do something about it. Life is what you make of it...so it is important to get back up when you are feeling knocked down.