This has been harder than I thought....

I have been trying to make sense of all the emotions, thoughts, and feelings that are swirling around in my head and heart. The only sentence that has been a constant is....this has turned out to be harder that I thought it would be!😞

The list of reasons why could go on for days but it does no good to bring up the past and all it's hard lessons that have brought me to the here and now. All I know is that I have to feel these emotions and think back to times that are happy and sad, in order to move forward past this change.

I keep wanting to put the word WHY in front of every sentence I start...but what good does that do? I cannot concentrate on the WHY...I must concentrate on the WHAT can I do now to move upward and onward. The part that gets me stuck on the WHY: Why is it so hard to say Goodbye?😭 I can drive there and back in a day....it isn't like I am never going to see you again?💔

Then it comes on like a light in a dark room....so bright and so clear, just like that my heart feels a little lighter. When you have a close bond with someone, an honest and real love for another person....it hurts to realize that you are not going to see that person anytime you want anymore. We saw each other every week for the last 5 years and you have shared your whole family with mine for the last 11 years!💓

Sooooo yeah....it is going to be hard, I am going to cry sometimes, especially when a memory is sparked by something. Or when I saw my husband go thru his moment of sadness...it is going to be even harder when my son's aha moment clicks in.😢

But I have been feeling these emotions with past thoughts and feelings from prior goodbyes with family and friends. I couldn't understand why this goodbye felt so final....my brain was triggered to think that I am never going to see these guys ever again! But that is not the case here...that is not how I am going to let it happen and I know that is not how our friends are going to let it happen.

So many times we can let our old thoughts and triggers effect our present choices and decisions. I will accept the fact that this change is hard and emotional. But I will not let past experiences keep me in a funk. I have been telling myself to remember all the positives that will come from this. There is nothing better than watching someone take the first step towards their goals and the future they desire.💗

Too many times people get comfortable in a situation and stay there...for far, far too long and they are afraid to try anything else. Change always has it's ups and downs that come with it....but learning to accept everything that comes with change....makes the end result much more rewarding. You took on the storm, worked through it, and came out on the other side to a new beginning!

Reflection of this crazy thing called life.....

As I lay here on the 1st day of Spring Break not able to go back to sleep...I find myself being awaken by dreams that are keeping my mind racing. Uggghhh...how is it that we survive this crazy thing called life on a daily basis?

I have not felt lost in awhile....the kind of lost that keeps your heart racing, stomach flopping, and outbursts of tears. I by no means want to or do feel sorry for myself. But I do have to express myself or I think I would go mad...lol!! The one thing that I have learned on this journey so far...is that I cannot hold things in.

I have had so many emotions racing through me that I have been losing myself in them. I have lost my drive to do things, I have lost my drive to workout, I have made poor eating choices, and I have just been avoiding feeling the feelings. I am no good to myself or those around me if I am playing the avoidance game.

So many things flooding my brain that I cannot seem to sort them out and they just keep piling up higher and higher. I wanna scream out at the top of my lungs, "Life is not a bowl of cherries and it can be really unfair!" But I keep on pushing forward and trying to find ways to bring myself back to the grounded person that I have become.

Oh man, back in the day I could not even imagine myself and how I would have handled the last 6 months. People tend to believe that they are not strong enough to handle the things life throws at them. I was one of those people...told all my life that life is not fair so why try to do anything to get ahead. I was told that we are not the "lucky" ones who get the breaks or that we were not born with a silver spoon in our mouth so we would never get the good life.

I have been sad, scared, worried, upset, hurt, and so stressed these last 6 months that I have been going into a downward spiral that I must pull myself out of. Life is hard...it can be painful...it can seem like you are never going to get ahead but you must always remember to not ever let the negative thoughts and words win...keep believing that you can and will get through whatever this crazy thing called life throws at you!