So I have been running around in my head trying to figure out what is weighing so heavy on my mind. I have been talking about how I have been blocked, stumped, put on pause…I feel as though I am walking through wet sand. Both physically and mentally, I have not been clear in my thoughts, been ridden with sickness for a month now. You all know that BLAH feeling….ugghhh! :(
So the other day I just get hit with my realization…I am feeling guilty after talking with my daughters. I thought that I was handling everything pretty well. But I wasn’t processing all the feelings, I was standing my ground with my boundaries…as well as not overstepping theirs.
Then I realized that deep down inside I was feeling guilty for not being able to be the mother I had promised myself I would be when she came back into my life. I couldn’t make all her problems go away, I didn’t have the funds to erase her problems…because I am still a bad mom?!?! Maybe that is what I thought secretly but then I finally accepted that there is no magic wand I can wave to help her. I could only do what I was capable of doing without putting my family in a bind and I could just let her know I am emotionally here for her.
Then my other daughter was a different story, it wasn’t so much the guilt I constantly feel for the wrong choices I made in the past that causes her anger and resentment towards me. I live with that every day of my life…but I do not let it rule me anymore. No, with her it is the anger I was feeling towards her…isn’t that crazy?! But I am allowed to feel angry at things she says to me…but I am not allowed to hold on to it or let it fester. I just told her that she has her own anger and resentments that she may have, clouding her judgment towards me…I am a changed person now. I am still here for her when she is ready again to try and talk.
Then the whopper of them all….I am feeling anger towards my parents for not being parents to me. The cycle came full circle and I finally realized what that crud was in my belly!
My parents lived paycheck to paycheck…never talking of securing the future…having a fall back plan…hell, having a plan at all. Just wing it is their motto…do what you have to do to get by…no saving…no looking to a better future…just blaming the world for our miseries and downfalls. Never really taking responsibility for the choices they made. I never got structure…never got pep talks…never had family vacations…never was encouraged to do school activities…never had help with my homework…it just never felt like a….FAMILY!
So here I am with a realization, I am understanding it, I am trying to accept it….then I must let it go and move on….so once again…TO BE CONTINUED….
Enjoy life :) <3 br="" crud="" family="" hold="" love="" never="" on="" the="" to="" your="">
Teresa B
I have fallen down so hard I thought I would never be able to get back up again. I have lost everything that meant the world to me and felt like dying. I thought I would never feel whole again or be able to live life with a little joy in it. God never gave up on me thankfully....even though I cursed him many times. Recovery, happiness, joy, family etc....all these are possible with work, forgiveness, acceptance and faith.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
My mind was wandering this morning….
As I was delivering the paper this morning, I was sort of in a fog. Been having insomnia issues lately…not sure if it is the time change, LIFE, having this cold still or maybe the impending doom in Japan. Whatever it is, I have not been able to sleep well. 
Sometimes when I am delivering the paper I lose myself in thought…this morning my upcoming birthday was in the fore front of my brain.
I am turning 40 in May….a number that was considered a dirty word in my vocabulary for a very long time. I can remember back when I was 20 yrs old, talking about how I didn’t want to know what I would look like at 40. Full of wrinkles, going to bed at 7pm and just plain OLD! How wrong I was, I used to say that I bet I don’t even make it to 40….hmmmphhh!!
Okay maybe the bedtime is pretty close but that is okay because I just love my sleep now. Unlike when I was young, I thought I had to cram as much living in one day as I could…before I got old…LOL!
Alright back to the subject….I have a few close friends that have birthdays around the same time as mine. We all have milestone birthdays this upcoming May, so we decided to have a big party for all of us. Nice, I love hanging out with my friends but to be quite honest….I just can’t party like I used to and they are slightly younger than I…LOL!
So this brings me to my thoughts this morning….as I was thinking about how I can’t even drink more than 2 or 3 beers without feeling like I am done for the night compared to when I was 20. Holy Cow! I was drinking like it was going out of style back then…bars almost every day….sometimes a bottle of liquor every other night….on top of all the drugs!! Heck…I don’t even remember my 20th birthday…I think …..
I believe my 20th birthday my parents went to Omaha with my sister and daughter, there was a party pig involved with other numerous alcoholic beverages, cocaine in my parents bathroom, a few fights….that all resulted in me getting punched in the back of my head by one of my male BFF’s, I was in the middle of breaking up my husband and his best friend fighting. Over what you ask….hahaha, well because his friend gave me drugs which meant we were having sex! Then I fought with my husband outside who pushed a dumpster over in anger, after he came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my neck to choke me out. So I grabbed him by the head and flipped him over my shoulder into a mud puddle. Hence the police show up and we hide…and that was the 2nd time they had been there that night. I think that was my 20th birthday….hmmm
Now here I am 20yrs later and I don’t know how I want to spend my birthday…the last time I tried to let loose there were very bad backlashes from drunken activities….but more so than anything….I just don’t crave the party or the one time I get to let loose and indulge. I just don’t feel like the party girl I used to be, I still hang out on occasion and get loud with friends, indulge in a game or 2 of beer pong but it is different now. I still feel like I am that fun outgoing girl but…different and I don’t worry about finding the party on the weekends. If I feel like hanging out I let someone now, I ask what’s going down…LOL…but seriously this new found awareness has thrown me off a little but I am okay with it!
I enjoy not having to dress up every weekend and party crash or scramble around to find the kegger or start one…if I feel like getting some adult time interaction with friends I just let my baby know and we roll out from there…so we will see how this continues on and carries out on my birthday, dododododododo….LOL…TO BE CONTINUED…smile it only hurts when you laugh!
Teresa B
Sometimes when I am delivering the paper I lose myself in thought…this morning my upcoming birthday was in the fore front of my brain.I am turning 40 in May….a number that was considered a dirty word in my vocabulary for a very long time. I can remember back when I was 20 yrs old, talking about how I didn’t want to know what I would look like at 40. Full of wrinkles, going to bed at 7pm and just plain OLD! How wrong I was, I used to say that I bet I don’t even make it to 40….hmmmphhh!!
Okay maybe the bedtime is pretty close but that is okay because I just love my sleep now. Unlike when I was young, I thought I had to cram as much living in one day as I could…before I got old…LOL!
Alright back to the subject….I have a few close friends that have birthdays around the same time as mine. We all have milestone birthdays this upcoming May, so we decided to have a big party for all of us. Nice, I love hanging out with my friends but to be quite honest….I just can’t party like I used to and they are slightly younger than I…LOL!
So this brings me to my thoughts this morning….as I was thinking about how I can’t even drink more than 2 or 3 beers without feeling like I am done for the night compared to when I was 20. Holy Cow! I was drinking like it was going out of style back then…bars almost every day….sometimes a bottle of liquor every other night….on top of all the drugs!! Heck…I don’t even remember my 20th birthday…I think
…..I believe my 20th birthday my parents went to Omaha with my sister and daughter, there was a party pig involved with other numerous alcoholic beverages, cocaine in my parents bathroom, a few fights….that all resulted in me getting punched in the back of my head by one of my male BFF’s, I was in the middle of breaking up my husband and his best friend fighting. Over what you ask….hahaha, well because his friend gave me drugs which meant we were having sex!
Then I fought with my husband outside who pushed a dumpster over in anger, after he came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my neck to choke me out. So I grabbed him by the head and flipped him over my shoulder into a mud puddle. Hence the police show up and we hide…and that was the 2nd time they had been there that night. I think that was my 20th birthday….hmmm Now here I am 20yrs later and I don’t know how I want to spend my birthday…the last time I tried to let loose there were very bad backlashes from drunken activities….but more so than anything….I just don’t crave the party or the one time I get to let loose and indulge. I just don’t feel like the party girl I used to be, I still hang out on occasion and get loud with friends, indulge in a game or 2 of beer pong but it is different now. I still feel like I am that fun outgoing girl but…different and I don’t worry about finding the party on the weekends. If I feel like hanging out I let someone now, I ask what’s going down…LOL…but seriously this new found awareness has thrown me off a little but I am okay with it!
I enjoy not having to dress up every weekend and party crash or scramble around to find the kegger or start one…if I feel like getting some adult time interaction with friends I just let my baby know and we roll out from there…so we will see how this continues on and carries out on my birthday, dododododododo….LOL…TO BE CONTINUED…smile it only hurts when you laugh!
Teresa B
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