Self-doubt.....

Self-doubt is most definitely my Achilles heel and what motivated me to stay in some bad situations. In my brain I could think of a thousand reasons why I would not succeed in whatever it was that I tried do. Self-doubt was my biggest motivator to self-sabotage any situation that arose in front of me. I could tell you it was this person, that person, or the things that happened to me growing up but those things only contributed. I made decisions and choose actions that in a way I always knew were bad but turned a blind eye to it. Without the confidence in myself to achieve my goals I was never going to move forward in my life.

There are days when I let that kind of thinking sneak into my brain, usually when it comes to important decisions that I am faced with. Recently I have had some issues that will affect my whole family in both positive and negative ways. Deciding to step away from those that my heart still holds love for so my mind can let go of the pain. These decisions are important to keeping me moving forward and staying in a positive mind set for my sobriety and success.

But an amazing thing has happened since deciding to let go and stop chasing something that ends up leaving me filled with hurt, anger, and disappointment....my mind has cleared and I have started to work harder on the things that are most important to me. I feel less weighted down, I feel a freedom from the anchor of negativity that had a hold of a little part of me; blocking my view of  the bigger picture.

I can with confidence say that I am going to be stepping into a new and brighter world for myself and my wonderful little family. I am feeling positive about school and my health, I am going to succeed at this next chapter in my life....and if I don't, well no worries here. I can learn from my mistakes and try again or try something new but I will not let self-doubt or negativity creep in anymore.

It is time to let go.....

I have written the words in my head over and over, expressing how I feel about the actions of others that have been hurtful. I can never get enough courage to say them to their faces but one day I will have to. What are the reasons that I have yet to express this jumble of different feelings that are festering inside of me? For one, there are so many other lives that could become collateral damage; as well as the rift that will become a canyon that is between us. I actually wrote out the words a few weeks back when the straw broke the camels back but could not hit the send button. Maybe because it hurt so much to know that once they are spoken there can be no turning back. Or because I know that they will fall onto deaf ears. Or it could be that once they are spoken there will be no relationship to attempt to repair until the other person is ready to try; that could be never!

I do not know if it hurts more that they do not even fathom how their actions are hurting others. Or if it hurts more that they think that they are doing nothing wrong. There are so many things that I have to say but I must first start this purge with just the acknowledgement that I am hurting so badly on the inside it is eating me alive. I feel that my lack of concentration and overall zeal for life is being dampened by this black cloud that only I know about. So here I am to rid myself of this sick feeling in my gut, head, heart, and soul.

I can no longer keep this in and must start ridding myself of these feelings by first forgiving myself for feeling this way towards someone who is so very important to my life. It is not wrong of me to feel hurt by the actions of another when those actions are meant to be hurtful; whether they realize it or not. I should not feel bad for moving on in my life from things that were harmful to me and my sobriety, things that could keep me in a negative mindset or that could jeopardize the positivity that is in my life now. I will let go of this guilt, fall to my knees, and give it up to my higher power that will help me to let go of things that I cannot control. I cannot control the actions of others but I can only control how I react to them.

I will do this, I can do this, and I will move on past this! <3 :)