Today I have goals for myself and for my family and when those bumps in the road come calling I handle them better by not falling into a drug induced coma....I have to actually feel the feelings that come up. It can be harder some days and some days it is easier...some days are worse!
I have become quite good at handling all the crazy things my head likes to tell me when my heart is yelling do not listen to those crazy thoughts! A long time ago when my first therapist in prison told me that I suffered from depression and anxiety....I made the choice to not use medication to help me get through life. I was trying to get off of drugs...why would they want me on different ones?!
So far it has been an up and down ride trying to get to know my triggers and how to deal with things when they arise. I do know that this is one of the toughest fights and I wish others could do it successfully without being medicated. :( But sometimes those stinkin' thinkin' thoughts are just too much to handle for one person....even with people to talk to about it. :(
I have already figured out that birthdays and holidays are a trigger for me....remembering the few years I had with my kids and regretting all the ones I have missed. But after some time, I have learned to let go of the regret and rejoice that they have turned out to be the most amazing adults! My heart would ache every year as I would write a post in hopes they would see it but then I realized that I was feeling more regret than joy while posting. I was crying and beating myself up....so now I privately wish them a Happy Birthday in my heart and say a prayer. <3 I sympathize with their pain and understand their anger....if we are meant to be in each others lives again I cannot make it happen....I have to just let it.
But life is a silly game player and once you have closed one door of regret, here comes something else to test your strength. So I have found that another trigger is Death. Some of my grandparents passed away in the midst of my addiction, some have passed in the midst of my recovery and some have passed after my recovery. It hurts my heart to say that I have no grandparents left. :(
I never really got to feel the pain when my maternal & paternal grandmother passed and then I let it all out in a drunken stooper one night when I was in the middle of a relapse from my paternal grandfather passing away. Not a pretty sight but with my therapist's help, I found a way to move on from the regret and keep on trudging. I was able to grieve my maternal grandfather with the love and caring of my amazing husband...thank you babe. <3
I have had some friends pass recently and I could not make it to their funerals...but inside I was packing down the anxiety I was feeling. I knew that death was coming close to home and I was getting scared...sure enough, my best friends were given the news of the big C word. I was heartbroken for them....this was going to be hard for them...how do you recover from hearing that you might lose a parent?!
It made me face my own mortality and what I was missing by not being with my kids or not being able to ever meet or hold my grandson. It got me worried that I was never going to be able to talk with or hug my own family before something happens. Of course life came knocking and my dad had to go to the ICU....thankfully it was one night. But to find out over FB....ugghhh! I was sent into a whirlwind of emotion as I talked to my father on the phone and was left with some hope after the call. But what if that is the last time I ever hear his voice....oh my how does anyone handle this kind of grief!!
Unfortunately, I was falling deeper into a depression, inside of me was a battle but on the outside I was pretending to be strong as armor. I was doing everything I could to spend more time with my son, my husband, our friends...I was blowing school off and working out, I was justifying it by saying that you never know what tomorrow brings. But I was really just burying my feelings of regret for not trying harder with my family and once again was at the mercy of Anxiety and Depression!
So where does one go from here? That is where choices are made: you have to decide if you are going to continue down this spiral or pick yourself up and try to recover from the mess you have made.
As I watched my friends and their family support each other through such a rough time, I realized that I was also a place of comfort and support for them and they were there for me as well.
I had to stop dwelling, stop wondering what if, stop thinking I should have and realize that I have done what I can.
I had to step up and take responsibility for my slip in judgment with school.
I had to follow in the footsteps of my friends and seek out the support I had in my life and utilize it.
I know it is hard and some days it feels like you are never going to win...but you can if you keep trying...you will if you recognize the signs and ask for help...it will get better and it can get better with the love and support that surrounds you. At times you might feel alone but if you get up and look around there is someone there who wants to help.
I reached out to my professors and they were very helpful with getting my assignments in with very little late penalty. I started a new workout with a 90 day calendar...so I have set a goal to complete. I have talked with my best friend about my silly head and its crazy thoughts...I have talked to my husband, my rock about feeling so low and I am finally here in front of my computer letting it all go. This is part of my healing and I wish I used it more but it takes me getting all my thoughts in order so it doesn't come out too scattered!! Thanks for Listening. <3
In the words of Shaun T: Push Harder....Dig Deeper....I Know You Can Do This!!
