I have recently realized that my addiction of choice to escape everything is being a homebody. I am pushing myself down into a hole with no escape in sight.
I will not lie...since the beginning of the year I have thought more about drugs than I ever have since quitting. But I have been strong and resisted the urge to seek out drugs and use. I also haven't chosen to use alcohol as a way to escape either....that is a big step for me because it is so easy to just drink away everything. But it is also easy to just get caught up in being secluded in my house and not reaching out to anyone.
I am just so sad sometimes....sad that I am not as close to my family as I once was. Sad that I am not able have a relationship with my older children. Sad that I cannot do the things I wish to be able to do because of money issues. Sad that my friends are having to deal with a sad time in their life and there is nothing that anyone can do about it.
I am also just so mad that my family does not even seem to care that we have not spoken or seen each other in so long. Mad that egos cannot be put aside so there can be healing. I am mad that we push so hard to come out on top but the universe keeps squashing our efforts.
I am just scared....scared that we will not be able to pay bills, we will lose everything, and have to start over...again! Scared that we will have to move away in order to catch up. I am really scared that I will not be able to repair things with my family before I lose one of them.
I am just so full of emotions that my brain hurts, my heart aches, and my body is suffering. I am just so confused and lost some days that I do not know what to say or do with myself.
It would be easy to just float away and forget all that is on my plate. But I chose not to...I chose to get up and fight everyday...I chose to live life and to not give up. I chose to show my son that it is worth living everyday no matter the obstacles that we face.
Whatever it is that helps you get through these times of weakness....DO IT! I blog, I workout, and I organize my house. Because for someone who wants to control everything but cannot...organization is a cleansing experience. My biggest obstacle is realizing that I cannot control everything...only how I react to it all.
